The Wincing Heart!

Soon a year would have passed

Since the time you last held my heart

The streets have changed

The people have changed

And yet my mind searches ...

Wandering down familiar paths

Long have I bled and hard have I suffered

I should feel anger,

Or I should feel vengeance

And yet, I feel neither.

The days have been numb

And the nights, sleepless

The eyes remain moist,

The Breath, restless .

Nothing can be changed

And Nothing can be done

Yet the heart listens not,

It asks Why and It wonders How?

It doesn't know the answers will never unravel

For questions not be asked

When the day has wound down

And the world is quiet

In the silence of the night

I can still hear your voice.

So fair, so clear

As if you were in my bed - still besides

With the body still living

You took the life out

In return of love, I might have expected many things

But this, I did not imagine

This, I could not

They say forgive and forget

I know not where to start

Should I forget the way we fought?

Or the way you laughed?

How do I remove the scent of your hair

Still coursing, the veins of my heart

I do forgive you

In such a way as I can.

Yet this I promise,

Though far away you may be

Now, in someone else’s arms

On some unexpected evening

In an unguarded hour

You will see the sky turn crimson red

And remember me in that hour.

Remember the smiling eyes

Of a mischievous, yet innocent boy

The boy who gave beyond giving

The man you widowed, without marrying

And you will have to return into his arms

For your sake, I hope truly

He can love you as I once did

As love should be, As I would have!

- Sanket

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POONAM THIMMAIAH - Indeed a Full Moon!

What can I tell you about Poonam ??? That she was disarmingly beautiful or that she was unquestionably confident, unapologetically bold, naturally assertive and an incredibly strong personality. 

I met her while auditioning for our annual Diwali fest. At the time, I had recently gone through a break up and had taken a spontaneous India trip to elevate my moods. As it turned out, the mood elation was quite superficial. Once back in town, and faced with the brutal familiarity of city streets and restaurants, horrible memories of dinner conversations riddled my mind and I decided to engage myself in campus activities. Academically, it was the most unsound decision I had ever taken. Whoever, knew of a student hosting Diwali in his defending semester! 

I had gone to the audition confident and assured but jaded and fatigued just the same. And, before we knew it, we were faced with a problem of finding a suitable female host. Poonam and Shalini – it turned out were quite the inseparable friends…. I had interacted with Shalini before, and so knew that she could do the part well – and so wasn’t thrilled at the idea of losing her…. And so I suggested why not have them both do the event ?? 

I still distinctly remember the clarity of my logical mind undoubtedly challenged and muddled by the beautiful spectacle of Miss Thimmaiah. Half way between considering the pros and cons of having two hosts for the event, my stupid mind went ……. “How the hell did I miss her on campus!!!!!” She was without a doubt the most appealing sight from main street to Old Main Hill…. I could only come to the conclusion – that the break up had indeed hit me hard and that my natural radar was sorely in need of immediate repair.. 

My recent experience with female beauty led me to believe that she would most certainly be ….. the attitude filled princess, the kind of person one becomes when used to undiluted attention from an early age. As our practice sessions progressed, I was delightfully proven wrong ….. princess she was … no doubt, aand she had a healthy share of attitude as well but she had many other virtues which justified her perks.

The first thing you would notice about Poonam would be her oval face. I have seen beautiful faces before, but this wasn’t quite the same. In that unlike most faces, Poonam’s face continued to surprise you time and again … may be it was the infinite range of her expressions or the natural actress in her persona… Her face had a transparency that flawlessly portrayed a perfect underlying bone structure, coupled with amazing functionality. Many of us do not readily remember the primary function of the human face …….. communication. A task at which her face was unmatched in its clarity. 

If you can move on ahead past the engaging face and her naturally well defined physique … well – you should be complemented for a more than average intellect. And I can assure you – you wouldn’t be disappointed. 

I am quite sure she doesn’t realize this – but her gifted beauty is quite intimidating to both men and women alike… Men – for it makes them assume an ‘act-to-impress’ attitude and Women – cos it makes them just plain jealous…. 

I was therefore most happily enchanted when I discovered just how human she could be.. I still remember (quite fondly) the time when sitting at the library cafe – she described how her advisor was taking undue advantage of her and how she had in her child-like innocence assumed that she would be paid more money than was promised. 

I wasn’t sure whether to laugh or to cry. Her expression was one the funniest things I will ever remember. The very fact that I can not keep myself from smiling even now – months from the time the incident occurred – stands testimony to the superlative communication abilities – that I have ascribed to her face before. 

As I choked over my coffee - I was intrigued – the person in front of me was unmistakably honest and genuinely human …… I was hooked ….. may be there was more to this princess – than I initially thought …. 

As our friendship grew, I realized that she was quite versatile in her professional experience. And, so I asked her to consider my job as a technical programmer after I would leave the university…. 

My work experience with her – was no less rewarding than recreational … she turned out to be one of the most fertile intellects I had encountered …. Needless to say it was a delicious pleasure teaching a sharp student. What she lacked in depth of knowledge, she more than made up for with exceptional powers of deductive reasoning. 

At this point – she would be wondering what the hell am I talking about??? To put it simply, she had the uncanny ability to learn from examples – while still remaining unsure of the underlying concept. A talent which comes in handy in ones life as a graduate student. I for one never had this ability. Until I researched deep and wide into the intricate workings of a concept, I could never learn from examples. I envied her. 

My initial jitters and worries about how she would get things done at my job were soon allayed. The IT industry lends itself naturally to people who can learn from examples. 

Aside from the physical and intellectual shades of her personality, Poonam was blessed with a multitude of delicate little idiosyncrasies that made her unique. 

One thing was very clear – this was one woman you would not want to mess with! Her enthusiastic perseverance at revenge could make the most hardened souls tremble. This was one girl who could quite deliberately cause a rift in her ex-boyfriend’s love life and walk away without a trace of guilt. But like all things thimmaiah, she could perform each evil act with as much finesse and class as the rest of her individuality. 

From an honest to GOD party soul to the most astonishingly fresh fashion sense Poonam was ages ahead in the evolution curve as compared to some of her peers.

If you were however, lucky enough to be one of her trusted friends, you could hardly find anyone more compassionate and friend worthy as her. Poonam possessed the most zero-tolerant down-to-earth attitude that I have ever seen. A quality that comes in handy amongst ones friends. Given a tough situation, she could reliably block out meddling emotions to make the correct decision. A quality rarely seen in women. 

Courage is the traditional virtue of the male gender (hardly true), yet if you knew her long enough you could find an underlying reserve of rock hard courage in this girl. Be it traveling unfamiliar roads to Canada at 3am or accepting a new job with significant challenges, I have never seen her courage falter. While she was not unsusceptible to fear – she was gifted with the ability to control it. A virtue – which I dare say I have rarely seen my male friends.

I could go on and on ….. but in a nutshell Thimmaiah was 1 part Man 1 part Woman and 2 parts Cat. She would walk gracefully and you may think her to be a kitty – but beware of her claws! She knew how to hunt and would use it if she had to :P

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With Your Shield - or On it!!!

Yup! I saw it and I loved it! Zack Snyder's movie 300 - Aand it may be a lil too late to write a blog on it, but this thing has been bugging my head ever since.

There is a concept from the movie that fascinated me ........ Sparta as a city had its own unique method to imbibe courage. I have seen it in nature ...... and I suspect that the working principles behind the concept have its roots in nature itself.



The concept is that of "forced fight" ..... in essence it means, putting someone into situations where one is left with no choice but to fight ... its hard at first ...... but after a while, the results are unmistakable.

Let me start with a few analogies from nature where this occurs. Imagine a bird chicken ... just barely able to stand and flap its wings ... the whole existence of a bird is to be able to fly ... But when the wings are yet untested .... how does the bird gather courage to leap into the open .... with nothing but just the trust on ones instincts .... I've seen a baby bird walk in indecision on a branch ... and then leap with decision ... flapping its wings wildly .... striving with its life to make it through. When penguins jump into ice water the first time, they have never been taught how to swim - but they jump anyways - and trust - that some how they will make it ..... many of them don't ... there are seals and other faster predator lurking in the waters below ... hungry and waiting .... but despite the danger of the unknown, the penguins dig up the courage it takes for a virgin jump.

It was the same concept used in Sparta! From the time a boy was born he was constantly tested ... put into situations where he was forced to fight .... to hurt ...... to run ...... to evade ...... and if necessary even to kill! There was no room for the weak in Sparta! If a baby was born sickly looking .... it was discarded .... if the boy was too weak or incapable ..... he would never survive the Agoge!

The whole existence of a Spartan soldier was to be able to fight - and if needed sacrifice his life for the state ..... if a male couldn't do that .... he wasn't allowed to exist. And it worked too ..... even today ... Spartans are considered to be the finest warriors the world has ever seen. Absolute killing machines!

In Sparta! When a soldier went to war, it was customary for the wife to bid farewell with the words ...... " (Return) With your shield or on it! " Such was the extent to which Spartans were dedicated to war and fight that even the women were taught never to show any weakness when parting with a husband on the verge of death. For Spartans! once deployed, there was no choice but to win ..... or else to die in the effort.



It may sound harsh.. but when you look at it, it makes perfect sense. History never remembers the weak, nor does it ever consider excuses for loss. If you look at school textbooks and history documents from all over the world, no matter what the time .... they have always recorded success stories. At the end of the day, when all is said and done, in real life there IS no excuse, you either succeed or fail. No one gives a fuck - why you failed. And, thats the way it should be. If history started nurturing failure, the very ideals one holds himself to would be tainted .... mankind would go into an early grave.

So, my message from this blog is ..... give it a try! We don't live in pre-historic times where you can put on a shield and armor and go to battle. With advances in society, the battles have changed, today it is securing a new job, or advancing at your career place, or winning a football match ..... whatever your battle maybe... when you get up in the morning, get ready and are about to head out ..... as you look yourself in the mirror, tell yourself .... "SPARTAAAN! Come back with your shield ...... or ON it!"

No Excuses! I tell you ..... works like a charm! :)

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Fidelity

I was in the internationals office today, completing one of my many formalities to graduate with my Masters degree. And stupid as it may sound, it was only after I saw official proof on paper - that it struck me - that Well! This is it! I am graduating!!!

For two years, this University was my home - a place that took me in - gave me an enduring education - gave me friends - gave me a job and resurrected me from one of the darkest hollows of my life. And so it was with a little trepidation that I contemplated the idea that I am not going to be a part of this home anymore. That before I knew it - the time had come for me to move on.

And so I am excited - Yes! for sure I am excited. I go to bed - every night - with dreams of me cruising beach side California roads in a two seater sports car - returning to an amazing duplex apartment and preparing for an evening of party - of socials and looking forward to meet some really smart exciting people. But most of all - dream about working at a place where I can find people loving what they do - where I can find people with .......... well - substance.

So I ask myself, 'How do I define - people with substance?' - How would I define myself??

I think when childhood is past and you come to a sense about who you are - what are your abilities - and what do you want to do with your life - is when you should be defined - is the place and time when you get ........... well - substance.

Life - is an amazing journey - that is a favor and a most generous gift - by sheer definition. And so as a receiver of this amazing gift - you need to make a deal - with God - with yourself - with your closest buddy - anyone - but make a deal - which details what you will offer in exchange for receiving this gift - to show that you are not un-grateful - to show that you have substance.

And so I think that each Life should be complemented by its receiver with a promise! A promise to never forget the fidelity to enjoy each moment - to dig deep and find ones own talents - A promise - to paint newer shades of a virtuous personality - to pledge ones allegiance to a set of morals - to truth - to courage - to duty - to integrity. A promise - to acknowledge the pleasures of knowledge bestowed by this world - a promise to make the place you were born in - better - than what it was before you!

I am finishing my thesis right now - and though it may not be a groundbreaking discovery, it certainly is original work - contributing to my field of study and certainly a first step - towards keeping my promise.

And so it is that I decided to dedicate my thesis - to my parents and my sister - to my friends and teachers - and to every person who has pinned his hope on me - to myself - as a first in a series of returns - towards keeping my promise. A promise I made with the 8th grade Science teacher - with my mentor - with my closest friend and buddy - to make the best use of my talents - to drive scientific innovation - to build - to create - to make lives better - to live beyond life - to be remembered in spite of time. And hopefully to inspire someone to do the same!

Life! - Its a promise! Whether you succeed or not - is easy to measure - ask yourself - have you kept your word?

- Sanket K

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It is Mum ..... Ah Ha Mumbai !

Its been said - 'The observation of a phenomenon ....... changes it!" ....... well its certainly true of Mumbai! I had been here only 8 months ago ...... and in 8 months, this place has changed face again..... May be I wasn't as observant the first time around ..... or may be its the rains that highlighted the changes in the city, but I could noticeably make out the difference.

How do I best describe Mumbai! the mumbai of today, the place I am returning from ....... (this blog is written in transit ....... well to kill time and finish up on some long due assignments) ...... the Mumbai of today is about generation next...... specifically males and females in the age group of 23 - 33 i.e. todays youth ......... its the most visible, influential and defining demographic of the city.

The city's youth wants .... wants and wants........ and they are prepared to slog real slave hard for it. And many if not most are getting it ...... not all of it ..... not exactly the way they want it..... but they are moving forward anyways..... what impressed me most this time around is the omnipresent motivating AMBITION of this demographic..... you pick any individual in this group and ask him/her what is it that they want, what are they working for and I assure you - that you will get a very specific answer.... they are not idealistic or philanthropic ambitions, most of them are materialistic, but they are ambitions none the less.

Some 10 years back, this wasn't the case. Students who did well in their high school got into prestigious colleges and got themselves engineering/ medical degrees and then became successful citizens, the ones who didn't sulked, cursed the system and whiled their time away.
The IT revolution and the emerging BPO changed all that. Suddenly it became possible for these people (and they were many I tell you) to earn good money, and money plays the most important role in this city....... no - these are not gold hungry satyrs ..... money is important and very very essential to the youth..... and for good reason. Let me take a diversion and explain how the young mind works ...... the logic behind the ever increasing need for money... Having experienced the first world for quite some time now, I was able to objectively note the intricate workings of this vicious need circle....

The hallmark of a country's progress is the ratio of resources to demands of its people. It is this ratio that directly projects the standard of living at any place..... In India this ratio is still ..... unfortunately staggeringly short ...... be it any resource, the number of ideal trains ..... as compared to the number of people using it, the number of effective, wide and efficient roads, trafic signals, as compared to the number of vehicles on the street, the square feet of land per person ... which essentially determines individual space, the number of oxygen molecules in the air as compared to the number of nostrils that want to breathe ..... any resource .... its short.... and by a long margin, the likes of which an average first world citizen can never imagine in his existence.

Since the youth cannot fix the resource problem overnight, they try to mitigate its effects .... to whichever extent they can. Train problem can be fixed (partially) if you buy a first class ticket, traffic problem can be made livable .... if you have an air conditioned small car, land problem can be cured if you look for a living place on the outskirts but for all of these solutions to work, you need money! And so the youth is obsessed 24x7 to find new ways of making more money. Why? So they can afford more things, buy better clothes, look sexier, eat better, in general ..... live better...

The resource problem that I mentioned before, is very subtle .... and unconscious .... many people donot realize the reasoning behind their crazy spinning - work your ass off - lives - I am pretty sure, if I had stayed back in Mumbai and joined the working IT class, I would have been in the same boat. Besides, just what is the first world! what should the ratio of resources:people look like ....... you don't get that idea by watching Hollywood movies and Friends ........ you got to taste that luxury first hand to know what you have been missing all this long..... I did, so I noticed....

And so people complete their education and get into working hard .... the harder you work the better results you get, which means ......... yup you guessed it right ..... more MONEY. But I talked to several of my friends ..... married and single ....... and asked them ...... about their reason behind ...... late nights, break neck pace, the malignant work environment ....... and many if not most ...... were without an answer.... I am working, I am earning ......... for what? Am I able to achieve that purpose? Especially with couples, I noticed the amount of quality time they are left with ..... with each other ...... was meager at most..... and most people seemed helpless about improving that ..... the reason ???


I may be wrong, for this is purely my hunch but I think people here are so obsessed and occupied with getting basic necessities of life fulfilled that they lose touch with enjoying life and reasoning about each action they take, why are they doing what they are doing? And is that purpose achieved? If not why not? What can I do to change that? I believe very few people ask themselves this. After a crushing train journey when the 26 yr old female gets down at Thane station, shes greeted with construction sites and mud ponds, with a huge line for an auto, so she stands despite paining legs and gets in ..... when her turn comes (lets not describe the bus journey) ..... gets home where she still has to cook for the day....... tend to her husband ....... same goes for a modern day man who wants to help his wife with everything ..... GOD knows when and how they have sex!

And now please allow me to turn my attention the nursing hatred you have in your mind towards me ...... for bringing out the grey black areas so bluntly. Yup! you are absolutely right, I am criminally apathetic ... and I completely accept your grudge .... of all people who say ...... "You have no right to say a word, when you know the problem, you chose to quit and run to America when you should have stayed and fixed it!" ....... any person saying this is absolutely right.

I came to America to pursue Artificial Intelligence research ..... which frankly, is still an impossible career option in India. I can not live with the thought of not trying to help my own country. The recent Times of India articles for Lead India burnt my heart with the acid of my own guilt. For the moment, I am financially tied to this place.... A day might come when those ties don't exist any more and I would truly face the choice of staying and commenting ..... or returning and helping ....... but till the day - I make that choice ...... all readers are permitted to call me the names, I am sure they have been calling.

My motive behind this article, is to awaken the youth, to the WHY? in their lives. I admire their ambition, I absolutely adore their spirit, but I question how informed they are about the motivations behind their day to day actions.... None the less, Suketu Mehta was right when he desribed Mumbai as the MAXIMUM CITY. ....... .. it truly is!!!

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