Thursday, April 26, 2007

S P A Z O


The sound is unmistakable .... but it doesn't do justice to what happened ..... a blade is thrust in ... sharp .... very sharp .... body doesn't know what happened ..... until the eye sends an alert on seeing blood .... the horror comes first ..... the pain follows later..... the blade has gone deep .... pulling it out would be more painful than letting it stay in ..... yet some things must be done .... so the blade is pulled ... each microsecond unbearable .... amidst screams ... the body begs to be unconscious ..... as if that wasn't enough ... the blade was poisoned .... ensuring that the wound does not heal ... the skin never grows .... and blood clots only reluctantly ...... yet the body must function .... it does .... but life seems paler than any fathomed death ..... Yet a time comes ... when the same enemy has to be faced again .... all senses beg to run away ... but you hold the legs ... the body struggles against the mind .... the mind forces a submission .... but the energy lost in the struggle tires even before the swords are drawn ..... but you hold the ground ... for retreat is cowardice .... wishing a win ... or at least a dignified end ... but the enemy has neither in mind .... the only target is your un-healed wound ... old - and dark .... the pain potent and alive as if eternal .... and the blade plunges down a familiar path .... the fragile blood clot cannot hold it back .... the body staggers back .... there is no strength to draw the blade out .... so the enemy comes to a sinister aid .... pulling the blade back slowly .... its only then on top of pain ... you recognize that this time the blade isn't poisoned but delivered red hot .... the enemy eases it back through an old wound .... and you see your own blood drying in the red heat .... Will thy end me ? ...... you ask ..... 'Nay!' .... comes back with a laugh .... the eyes close ... in ancient greek ..... SPAZO.

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Tuesday, April 17, 2007

The Art of TP.

As any educated civilized person would understand, TP - is true positive. This blog is about the other connotation of TP - Time Pass... No - it doesn't sound virtuous at all. So heres my attempt at proving the virtue and importance of Time Pass.

The only time when I have truly engaged in TP and when it was most beneficial, was - in the monsoon of '98. I was in KJ Somaiya College. Junior College. High School by American standards....


Photograph: http://jambino.blogspot.com/


Let me introduce the characters first ... people as they were more than nine years ago...

There was Rahul, the definition of cheerful. There was Aashish, friendly but queer. There was Chinmay, simple and with a great sense of humour. There was Deepti, spectacled and beautifully uncomplicated and there was Mithila: frank and an unquestionable Babe! And of course me! Each of us brought a new color to the concept of friendship like suspended drops of water forging new colors from youth's sun light.

Everything we did was cool! Our day began at a leisurely hour and we would immediately get in touch with each other on the phone - to co-ordinate our train timings. Fun started from the train journey itself - each person boarding the same compartment one by one as stations progressed. We would all get down at Vidyavihar and walk to campus. I can still remember the dizziness of joy that filled me whenever I entered that campus!

Beyond two large 'iron-grill' gates lay the sprawling Somaiya campus - at the time - it was the largest thing I had seen. The Somaiya campus opens up from the main entrance as two parallel roads leading straight on through to the end with college buildings coming up one by one on the right side. The divider between the roads was lined with mid-sized palm trees. After a recent rain - their hanging leaves would still be dripping - showering the students with fresh monsson water as they entered the campus. Immediately to the left was the "Suruchi" Canteen - on really lazy days - we would directly go in here - to satiate our ever hungry appetites. The 'Suruchi' canteen was cheap and versatile in its menu - more than enough for our junior college needs. Usually we would walk straight ahead. The first right turn ahead - lead us to our classrooms - after the first month of college - I don't recollect taking this turn again. So walk we would .. to the far end of the campus, past the sports grounds on our right till we reached the engineering cafeteria. There was a spot on the left sidewalk just right enough for six people ; this would be our TP base. Once stationed at the base at around 11am, we would dutifully 'time-pass' till it was 6.

On some days, the sidewalk would be wet - and we would tear off pages from our unwritten notebooks and sit on them instead. Our discussions of trivia used to be conducted with utmost honesty and unimaginable humor. Punctuating these discussions regularly were the local coffee(2Rs) and hot Maggie noodles (5Rs).

I still remember Deepti who had a tendency to crawl from one person to another to taste different stuff, tearing her jeans at the knees in the process and causing her parents considerable distress...I remember the innocent satisfaction - I would derive from picking a harmless monsoon earthworm from the damp soil and causing the girls loads of trouble by bringing it in their vicinity. It was the first time we were friends with girls - so often times our discussions would be throughly enlightening. Later in life I have faced a lot of problems because of the early misconception that Somaiya put in our brains - "Girls are usually frank and don't mind open thoughts on all topics" - as it turned out the girls we were with were quite the exception and not at all the rule.

The base was at a fairly low level - grazing the road - so that when people used to pass by - we would have to look up to see who it was. Somewhere around 5pm, the girls from Fashion and MBA used to disperse - and we would (including the 2 girls) - to put it kindly - check them out! Passing lewd comments was OK ... staring open mouthed was OK .... we were kids - in the first year of college .... we were OKed to do these things.

On some days - the idle wind would carry with it strange romours .... "Damodar is on the loose!! Watch out!" ..... Damodar - was the supervising prof - guy who used to ensure - students were in-class and not out! And we would all hide out. On some days we were caught - these were especially funny times - some of us would feign sudden illness - others like me or Rahul would have no respite and Damodar would demand our college id cards. "They are already with you Sir! " we would reply impishly.

Towards the end of the day as our class mates sprang out .. we would casually ask them - as one would ask an old acquaintance - "So! Aaaj kya hua?" (what was covered in class today?) Months would easily slip by ... .. amongst movies and outside food and masti and endless talking and pool tables we would never allocate time to trivial things like studies. UNTIL ..... when the exams came by, and we would scramble to get ourselves in order. Luckily course work was light and I don't remember ever requiring more than a days preparation to get by in the exams. Of course parents would wonder - what was happening to our shining grades from last year..... but thats a whole different can of beans.

Career ..... coming to America! such things weren't in our wildest dreams. We knew serious times lay ahead ... but at the moment we were just content in knowing each others little worlds as throughly as possible. The friendships that were forged by the lasting laughter of that TP, by the moist scent of Mumbai - are by far the most lasting connections I have ever had..... unstained by the passing of time.

Later on in Engineering and now in Masters, I have been fortunate enough to have good friends, but the friendships that endure most were those formed almost a decade ago. I was too innocent to recognize that friendships are also some times formed out of need. We changed as people, we went different ways and pursued different careers ....... but to this day when we meet, we are the same people when we are together.

Duh! Central point of all my blabbering being ..... that there is a time and place in each persons life when TP plays the most important role ...... when TP isnt TP at all. That TP reinforces good health. That TP can some times be the most lasting memory a person would ever have!

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Thursday, March 08, 2007

Best Days?

On a few treasured occasions when I have a free hour to spare, I tend to drift back into memories ..... Memories of times I have had ...... of friends who once used to be my daily hang out group ...... of times when I knew no care..... of times when I was free ... free to do whatever I liked - whenever I liked .... free to dream endlessly .......and I think those were my best days.

In junior college, I had absolutely no responsibility. Well not technically, but rather - I took nothing seriously. Academics weren't difficult enough to make us study before the examination night. I had a fun college group - four guys two girls. We used to get up each day with the thought of "How best to enjoy our time together? What shall we do today??? " .... I had money alloted to me for emergencies (trains cease to work? that kind of thing) and I used to use it conscious free for such serious activities as playing pool, watching movies, eating road-side delicacies and so on. Birthdays of friends, a friendship day in college, an inter-cultural festival ... or simply dining out ..... these were sacred holy occasions for my adolescent mind.

Right now - I have to worry about 17 issues and phone bills in the most relaxed time I can imagine. And so I would tend to think those were my best days. ....


Then came Engineering - which transformed me into a serious student. For the first time, I worked hard towards what I wanted. And then amidst countless assignments, never ending semester pressure and bone crushing train travel, I had discovered the rhythm of living Mumbai. My class became a part of me. We used to live and sleep on the campus.... we made it our home. Our successes were glorified because we enjoyed them together, our losses were softened because we suffered them together. Even today, I can recollect clearly - that evening when we bid farewell to our four year home and nest ...... in each one of us there was the same thought ..... "Where would lives take us now?" .... "Whats in store??" .... I couldn't wait to find out.. And then I think it was the single most time when I matured as a student and befriended my ambition - yet there was the luxury of home to rest in - care of my class which was my family. And I think the Engineering Days were the best days of my life....

And then I realize that the best days are never over ... that at each stage life has to offer some thing new - some thing fresh..

Yes, it is true that a graduate student's life in the US is nothing but work. After juggling nine credits of mandatory course work and 20 hrs of weekly job, cooking and laundry and grocery shopping and paying bills while cleaning the apartment seems an accomplishment. Then there is the chaotic social life - a result of placing young, homesick, overworked, single men and women within hormone-influencing radius of one another. And then there is a unique madness that one gets to observe as these people try to - - love, make love and live their lives all at the same time.

But truly speaking, I love it. I love having to manage my own finances, struggling to fit everything into the single pay check I get every month, to do justice to the (maybe misplaced) faith and confidence of friends and teachers - that I am a capable mind.

In my 14 months as a graduate student, I have grown to see --- sunny skies and soft green lawns. I have worked ........... each summer day in the anticipation of the evening ...... when I would go for a run on my campus ... and come up the slopes to see vast, green fields bathed in the setting sun .... to lay exhausted, breathing on mother earth ..... to watch my body's imprint on the grass ... and then to turn and see an endless sky spread out, changing colors ... with the early star peeping out ... to recover my heart beat and sit up to look at tall, majestic mountains in the distance ... and I thank my destiny .... and I think .. the best days may not be done yet! That there are hidden treasures and unforgettable joys .... yet to come. That growing up ... its .... its earned!

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Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Ashquosite!!

It was 30 minutes past 2am - the 11th of January 2007 - I was returning to the U.S. after a most relaxing vacation in India. SAD - I was very very sad at the thought of departing my dear friends, parents and my beloved city. So hanging my head low - I was proceeding through the pre-flight formalities of an international airport .... little did I know that the night would be the most memorable night of my life.

As I was proceeding through the security checks - I observed a sudden commotion and a strange buzz amongst the airport officials. I did not pay any more attention to it and moved on. At the Mumbai international airport - there is a long white corridor from the security check area and the boarding gates, it has a plain wall on one side and a glass wall on the other from where you can see the external of the airport. Alongside the glass windows are seats for passengers to sit on and figure out their purpose in life. So, thats what I did. I was re-arranging all important travel documents in my passport case. As I looked up I saw someone - I didnt believe it - thought it was a joke - so I turned my attention back to the passport and glanced back up again - she was there again! My face assumed an involuntary expression of "Is it really you???" - She must have seen this expression on many faces - since she nodded as if to confirm an affirmative on the question I was fumbling to ask.

With the knowledge that it WAS really her, my heart beat tripled and the whole body started shaking. The conversation (or lack of it) that I had with her is sufficient evidence of how shocked I was ..

Me : "Hello, Ma'am!"

She: "Hello" (smiles - O Maan what a smile!)

(5 seconds pause) - I didnt know what to say

Me : "I am a huge fan of you - Ma'am!"

She : (smiles again, closing her eyes) "Thankyou so(ooo) much!"

Hearing it - I was so happy - I cannot describe. She was dressed just like a regular girl - black t-shirt (short sleeves), 3/4th blue jeans and black sandals. Her glowing fair complexion provided a most sensual contrast with her shirt - jeans - hair and O yes her round red teeka. Yup! They always perform an aarti and put a teeka - when one of these gems leave India.

Her face! Her face was all too familiar - but I saw for the first time in person - why is it that She was so adored. Her eyebrows were shapely and neat. Her face had a glow - like the light of a thousand moons emerging from inside. Her nose - her nose was straight - wonderfully delicate. Her lips - full and exquisite - like the color of a million roses caught in the prime of their youth. Her eyes! Yes! I had admired them since a kid - Green and Grey - deep - with intricate fibers of life - moist like a fresh morning dew - big yet not too much - with loooong eye lashes. The oval of her face perfectly encompassed in the canopy of smooth dark shining and flowing hair. Yes - She was perfection itself.

The most dominating feeling that one gets after seeing her is reverence. You don't go giddy and crazy - you get frightened with overflowing respect - respect for Nature - for God for creation - How could someone be made so perfect???

In presence of such beauty - stupid jokes and mundane questions hold no place.

Me: "Ok. Ma'am - I will go now"

She: (smiles - doesn't say anything)

I go past her - but hurriedly come back.

Me: "Ma'am - noone's gonna believe this."

She: (laughs! O Maaan - it was sincere fresh like a spring of clear water rushing over new stones, soil grass and leaf.)

Me: "Will you sign something for me?"

She: "Sure"

Me offers her my passport wallet. Obviously she can't sign my passport, neither my boarding pass. I look in despair for a piece of paper.

Luckily though my brains had stopped long back - hers hadn't.

She: "Here - Let me sign the inside of your Jet Airways jacket (boarding pass jacket) so that it will remain with you. What's your name?"

Me: "Sanket" (Thank God I got that right!)

She signs as her partner (Abshishek Bacchan) joins her. I relalize my time with her is over. I gratefully and gingerly collect the jacket. "Thankyou soo much Ma'am."

And off she went.....

320 minutes and 32,000 feet later I still had trouble controlling my heart beat and believing that such an incredible thing had really happened with me.

An Oceans strength cannot be described by saying that it can rip ships apart and can destroy entire cities. You need to swim in the ocean and feel its power to understand how truly magnificent and powerful nature is. Saying that Mount Everest is 30 thousand feet high - doesn't give you an idea of what the concept is - you need to stand at its base and see its peaks rising one above the other - higher and higher to understand a little of what it is. Saying that the Grand Canyon is truly grand and that its entire span cannot be captured in one sight doesn't give you an idea you need to actually try it and fail and try again and realize that no matter how hard you try you cannot fit it into one view.

In a similar way saying She is beautiful or incredible or heavenly or divine doesn't do her justice. What She looks like is beyond the skills of language to describe. Its a phenomenon - you get it when you see it.

Often times, since that incident I have thought - it was all a dream and that it never happened. But then I retrieve my Jet Airways jacket and sure enough I believe it happened. Cos inside my jacket written with my parker black ink pen - in her own hand are the words ....

To,

Sanket



Love,

Aishwarya Rai
(Jan '07)


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Friday, November 17, 2006

A Moment's Grace!



They had been friends for almost a year now. He could still vividly remember the way they met. He was upset that day - something had gone amiss at work. Frustrated, he decided to go for a run - as he always did in such times. But even running didn't seem to be helping, 12 laps down the line and he still wasn't feeling an ounce of expression, the sweat entering his eyes didn't help matters. 'Whats wrong with this project?? Why am I lacking pace?? ' - questions were creeping in his head despite his effort to just concentrate on breathing.

It was just a blur a mirage of black and red. 'Wow! he thought - she must be a runner' . Just out of curiosity he decided to study her ......... amazing form ....... great composure ...... and her pace was just starting to bother him -- cos hard as it was to admit - he was struggling to keep up with her. Should I give her a race?? He was wondering ...... Naah! its already lap 13 .... I am tired ...... but then his male conscious countered .... 'Don't give excuses - if you can't compete - then at least be graceful in defeat!'

Duh! Defeat my ass! Lets find out what shes made up of - Okie girl u gonna find it hard to go past me again! He shifted gears - paced himself and in what he thought - went right past her with breezing speed. Ha! Howz that cheezmoza?? To his surprise the answer came quicker than expected - before he could revel in his pseudo victory - she went past him again - faster if not anything.... And so it began ... he would lead .. only to be overtaken again ..... a sight to see! Finally some 8 laps later they couldn't keep up the pace - she slowed down to a walk ...... THANK GOD! He exclaimed - Wow I was almost killed!!

As he reached her .... she said "You run good!" . "You are not too bad yourself" he commented back ... . but then something was bothering him ........... Ummm what is it??? and then it struck him ..... "Hey! You aren't out of breath! You stopped just to end it!!". "Yup smartie!" she smiled tapped his head and went racing ahead again ......... "Oh No! not again!" ........ somehow he caught up with her - "Dinner at 8 if u don't go past me in a lap" -- Oh ya! theres no way he would have let her take that lap - though easy it wasn't - he had to give it all he had .... Dinner followed ... and a close friendship developed ... before they knew they were in love with each other. For some reason though none had taken the effort to take it to the next level.

This week-end was important - he was gonna ask her to marry him. He had gone over it a hundred times in his head - the exact words - the expressions - everything - yet - his senses seemed to fail him at the moment. Saturday afternoons have an anesthesia of their own - this afternoon was no exception. Lying stretched on the floor - he looked at her - Wow! she could look gorgeous in the most simple clothes. And then he looked her up - as a man would - without hesitation - without shy - without holding back - her toes - the red paint - incredibly sexy - her feet - perfect and smooth - her legs - Oh ya! her legs curving up - her waist - so slender and elegant - hiding the strength of an athlete - her breasts - so firm - so soft - he couldn't move past them. She seemed to sense his eyes on her body --- For she laughed and mockingly kicked him in the stomach - with an expression of fained annoyance.

" I could do 20 push ups with you on my back - you know that??" She couldn't say why - but she decided to call his bluff. "Alright! your lucky day today Lets go".

Maan... now I really got to do it. She laid on his back - embracing him - her arms under his - pressing herself onto him - knowingly - deliberately - to throw him off balance. Isn't gonna work --- he thought - a deep breath and he started.

She was impressed by how effortlessly he lifted her off - 8 .... 10 .... 14 ...... he was slowing down now .... 15 .... then his whole body shivering .... 16 .... she thought ... Oh! Dear me! He isn't gonna make it! He's never gonna forgive himself for that. He wouldn't bear the humiliation ..... 16 ... and then as he went down .... he was caught midway ..... knowing if he further went down ... he wouldn't come up ..... 'Common u idiot! Be a man! you said 20 - four more ... common .... FOUR MORE???? he thought to himself .......... her mind was racing too............... and then it struck her ......... His shoulder ...... ofcourse his shoulder ...... he was ordered by the doctor not to stress his shoulder ......... she could count four separate veins on his shoulder now ........... he was shaking ..... holding her ....... still......... She knew she couldn't just get off ..... He wouldn't take a no contest ............. I have to do something .... and something quick ..... she thought ........ and then she did it ... by instinct ... not thinking....

She flung herself off his back grabbed him hard and kissed him on the mouth .... fully .... passionately ..... as she had never kissed anyone before...... a moments pause ... and he responded .......... bliss! heaven!!

And in that moment - all her doubts were cleared - as life offers sometimes - an explanation when you least expect it ........ she was hesitating in asking him ..... the future of their relationship .... wondering why he hadn't asked her .... but she wasn't pushing him .... partly because she herself was in doubt .. her independence was by far the most important thing in life ..... What was it that she would want to see in a Man - before she decided to take the risk??? She didn't know it - she couldn't put it in words - but right then she knew - she had seen it .... When she was mid air ---- on #16 ...... she knew it -- if she had not broken the lock -- he would have held her --- mid air -- till his shoulders broke or his muscles tore - and when they did -- as they would --- he could not have forgiven himself ....... EVER.

THAT was what she had wanted to see in a Man -- someone who would kill himself before breaking his word --- undeniable pride -- unquestionable soul -- and she knew -- if not him - she had to ask him - that she wouldn't find it again ....

He was thinking too ..... what was it that had just happened ......... why was he suddenly so so happy and light ......... what was the cause of his care-free ....... then he remembered --- she had broken the lock at #16 -- she had yielded - yet in a way that didn't make his victory look alms --- in a way - where it didn't matter if there was a win or a loss -- she hadn't pushed him into a loss -- knowing she could do it -- knowing he was powerless -- she had preserved his pride - -- protected his dignity -- and yet hadn't claimed anything --- hadn't asked for appreciation .... and there he knew .. and then he admired ... What strength must a character have to render a loss - when there can be victory -- and yet not show it!!!.... and in that moment he knew ... he had to ask her .... cos he wouldn't be able to live without her .... not after that.

Their lips parted .... their eyes met .... they smiled .. in joy .. in completeness. So many questions - so many doubts --- but all cleared -- in a moment's grace.

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