A Moment's Grace!

They had been friends for almost a year now. He could still vividly remember the way they met. He was upset that day - something had gone amiss at work. Frustrated, he decided to go for a run - as he always did in such times. But even running didn't seem to be helping, 12 laps down the line and he still wasn't feeling an ounce of expression, the sweat entering his eyes didn't help matters. 'Whats wrong with this project?? Why am I lacking pace?? ' - questions were creeping in his head despite his effort to just concentrate on breathing.

It was just a blur a mirage of black and red. 'Wow! he thought - she must be a runner' . Just out of curiosity he decided to study her ......... amazing form ....... great composure ...... and her pace was just starting to bother him -- cos hard as it was to admit - he was struggling to keep up with her. Should I give her a race?? He was wondering ...... Naah! its already lap 13 .... I am tired ...... but then his male conscious countered .... 'Don't give excuses - if you can't compete - then at least be graceful in defeat!'

Duh! Defeat my ass! Lets find out what shes made up of - Okie girl u gonna find it hard to go past me again! He shifted gears - paced himself and in what he thought - went right past her with breezing speed. Ha! Howz that cheezmoza?? To his surprise the answer came quicker than expected - before he could revel in his pseudo victory - she went past him again - faster if not anything.... And so it began ... he would lead .. only to be overtaken again ..... a sight to see! Finally some 8 laps later they couldn't keep up the pace - she slowed down to a walk ...... THANK GOD! He exclaimed - Wow I was almost killed!!

As he reached her .... she said "You run good!" . "You are not too bad yourself" he commented back ... . but then something was bothering him ........... Ummm what is it??? and then it struck him ..... "Hey! You aren't out of breath! You stopped just to end it!!". "Yup smartie!" she smiled tapped his head and went racing ahead again ......... "Oh No! not again!" ........ somehow he caught up with her - "Dinner at 8 if u don't go past me in a lap" -- Oh ya! theres no way he would have let her take that lap - though easy it wasn't - he had to give it all he had .... Dinner followed ... and a close friendship developed ... before they knew they were in love with each other. For some reason though none had taken the effort to take it to the next level.

This week-end was important - he was gonna ask her to marry him. He had gone over it a hundred times in his head - the exact words - the expressions - everything - yet - his senses seemed to fail him at the moment. Saturday afternoons have an anesthesia of their own - this afternoon was no exception. Lying stretched on the floor - he looked at her - Wow! she could look gorgeous in the most simple clothes. And then he looked her up - as a man would - without hesitation - without shy - without holding back - her toes - the red paint - incredibly sexy - her feet - perfect and smooth - her legs - Oh ya! her legs curving up - her waist - so slender and elegant - hiding the strength of an athlete - her breasts - so firm - so soft - he couldn't move past them. She seemed to sense his eyes on her body --- For she laughed and mockingly kicked him in the stomach - with an expression of fained annoyance.

" I could do 20 push ups with you on my back - you know that??" She couldn't say why - but she decided to call his bluff. "Alright! your lucky day today Lets go".

Maan... now I really got to do it. She laid on his back - embracing him - her arms under his - pressing herself onto him - knowingly - deliberately - to throw him off balance. Isn't gonna work --- he thought - a deep breath and he started.

She was impressed by how effortlessly he lifted her off - 8 .... 10 .... 14 ...... he was slowing down now .... 15 .... then his whole body shivering .... 16 .... she thought ... Oh! Dear me! He isn't gonna make it! He's never gonna forgive himself for that. He wouldn't bear the humiliation ..... 16 ... and then as he went down .... he was caught midway ..... knowing if he further went down ... he wouldn't come up ..... 'Common u idiot! Be a man! you said 20 - four more ... common .... FOUR MORE???? he thought to himself .......... her mind was racing too............... and then it struck her ......... His shoulder ...... ofcourse his shoulder ...... he was ordered by the doctor not to stress his shoulder ......... she could count four separate veins on his shoulder now ........... he was shaking ..... holding her ....... still......... She knew she couldn't just get off ..... He wouldn't take a no contest ............. I have to do something .... and something quick ..... she thought ........ and then she did it ... by instinct ... not thinking....

She flung herself off his back grabbed him hard and kissed him on the mouth .... fully .... passionately ..... as she had never kissed anyone before...... a moments pause ... and he responded .......... bliss! heaven!!

And in that moment - all her doubts were cleared - as life offers sometimes - an explanation when you least expect it ........ she was hesitating in asking him ..... the future of their relationship .... wondering why he hadn't asked her .... but she wasn't pushing him .... partly because she herself was in doubt .. her independence was by far the most important thing in life ..... What was it that she would want to see in a Man - before she decided to take the risk??? She didn't know it - she couldn't put it in words - but right then she knew - she had seen it .... When she was mid air ---- on #16 ...... she knew it -- if she had not broken the lock -- he would have held her --- mid air -- till his shoulders broke or his muscles tore - and when they did -- as they would --- he could not have forgiven himself ....... EVER.

THAT was what she had wanted to see in a Man -- someone who would kill himself before breaking his word --- undeniable pride -- unquestionable soul -- and she knew -- if not him - she had to ask him - that she wouldn't find it again ....

He was thinking too ..... what was it that had just happened ......... why was he suddenly so so happy and light ......... what was the cause of his care-free ....... then he remembered --- she had broken the lock at #16 -- she had yielded - yet in a way that didn't make his victory look alms --- in a way - where it didn't matter if there was a win or a loss -- she hadn't pushed him into a loss -- knowing she could do it -- knowing he was powerless -- she had preserved his pride - -- protected his dignity -- and yet hadn't claimed anything --- hadn't asked for appreciation .... and there he knew .. and then he admired ... What strength must a character have to render a loss - when there can be victory -- and yet not show it!!!.... and in that moment he knew ... he had to ask her .... cos he wouldn't be able to live without her .... not after that.

Their lips parted .... their eyes met .... they smiled .. in joy .. in completeness. So many questions - so many doubts --- but all cleared -- in a moment's grace.

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A Fall Wish!

From a naive fresh green - they turned a bright yellow, some went orange, some went crimson - as I ran over those fallen - the ones on the trees spoke .....

" Nigh! Is the time, Full is our blossom,

O' Dear friend - Don't run alone

The wind gets colder....

Soon - there will be snow - and off we go

O' Dear friend - don't run alone ...

The clouds are low, the rain is soft ...

The chill air - asks more warmth ..

Two souls, two hearts, two bodies

O' Dear friend - don't run alone ...

True is your heart and strong is your stride

Don't throw your youth - set worries aside

Stop for a moment, you need a pause

Take natures call, sieze the time

And such tricks the nature plays ... I catch my breath, slow to a trot and speak back ...

Great is your beauty and your thought is devine,

But amidst countless duties, in a cruel world

Love is a luxury and Truth is hard to find ..

My heart shares your wish,

But my pride wont yield

Wait I will - until shes truly the queen.

... they russtle with the wind - as though in response

Your words bleed us

But pray we will

We must leave now

But come back - we will

Don't be saddened now

Learn from us and take our hope

Our colors are rare - see them clear

We give you strength - know no fear..

And so I pick up my pace again .. stern are my eyes ... and I run with the wind - till my breath dies.

- Sanket

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The Chaos theory of Life!

In the most basic terms – ‘Chaos Theory’ states that even though some things might seem chaotic on the surface – there can be a genuine function associated with them. That in order for something to be functional – a proper order – or a concrete symmetric form isn’t necessary. That if you look close enough – patterns will start to emerge – that order can be found in chaos – and even great Beauty!

Given my infinitesimal knowledge of fractal geometry – that’s all I ever thought about chaos theory ……… until recently when I thought I had caught a rare string – and so I followed that thought and traced it to a point where it became absolutely imperative for me to write a blog on it.

Being a Virgo I had this obsessive need to make sense out of everything – to find an order in all events. While I don’t believe in sun signs and horoscopes anymore than I believe in ghosts – I am forced to admit that I do display many characteristics of a typical Virgo. Anyways – so the point of this ‘personal revelation’ exercise is to say that I used to worry about a lot of things – most of the things and used to get really upset if they didn’t seem in the order I wanted them to be.

And so I wanted to see order in Life – while its possible to some extent – there can never be a total harmony to life – and for some infant reason it irritated me. The matter of fact is that our lives are seldom ever isolated – unh hn – they are inter linked with other lives – the lives of our friends – and loved ones – and our enemies at that. And as much as we want certain events in our life to deliver a positive outcome – because of these links and the inherent chaos in everyone else’s life – things sometimes do not turn out to be the way we would have wished them to be. It happened with an incident in my life – quite recently in fact.

In the process of admonishing nature for making life so messy- I thought well you know … maybe there is a beauty to this chaos – and maybe its function and harmony lie in the mess it creates. No matter what our personal tragedies – and no matter how many of them we have faced – it would take a dumb of the first order to deny that there is still incredible beauty and an undeniable purpose to each life created. Like chaos theory – it takes a close look to discover the subtle patterns in life.

Consider an analogy – imagine you trace the words L I F E in chalk on the floor – now you fill the borders of these letters with sugar – and you open a can of ants and let them roam the floor – given sufficient distance between the letters – sooner or later all ants will get busy collecting sugar within the traced borders. If you see life from an ant’s point of view – theres total chaos – ants running into each other giving messages – but following wherever they can find sugar and bringing it back to the core. Even on a top view – if you look into the details of one letter – you wouldn’t see a lot to appreciate – but take yourself higher – to a level where the letters now are clear and they appear filled – you will see

L I F E. And there in lies the pattern – a beauty.

So may be GOD did put us all into borders and made us chase sugar – greed – money – sex – fame – pleasure. And while our lives collide with each other – and give them an appearance of total chaos – he might actually be seeing a whole different picture.

Try as I may – I am still earth bound – still an ant inside the borders and while I can imagine – I cannot – and not any other mortal for that matter see – what the true pattern of life is. But maybe its meant not to be figured out – maybe its just taking relief in the fact that there is an eye watching over us all.

An astronomical collision eliminated dinosaurs – since then – so much time has passed – with the universe still potent of a similar attack – yet – earth survives – things have gone past us and hit the moon (craters don’t seem beautiful now – do they?) – What is it that governs the universe? What is it that makes some things break – and in the destruction make others? Even the wisest can only speculate! Its like trying to see the bigger picture.

Wow! Someday you know – I would like to make a ladder of all ants and climb on top and see whats really goin on.

- Sanket K

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The good things in Life!

A response to SOS - to cheer u up.

The good things in Life:

1. Having good food - then snuggling into ur fav comforter and reading a nice book while it snows outside.
2. Sitting with friends and having garma garam chai with bhajiya on a rainy evening - sipping hot tea while facing moist sprinkles of rain with a scented wind.
3. Watching comprehensively - a beautiful woman - and the loveliness of her youth.
4. Facing a fierce wind in ur face when you bike downhill.
5. Feeling your heart recover and stabilize to a 72 after a nice run or a workout.
6. Watching Madhuri smile in HAHK. Or Ravina dance in sizzling yellow on tip - tip barsa paani.
7. Watching Sachin hit a boundary or a six and trash Shoaib (or whoever is there).
8. The intellectual high you get - when you crack a problem or understand a concept.
9. Cranberry and vodka.
10. The acceleration ramp before you get onto an interstate.
11. A sunrise with the promise of future.
12. Facing an impossible problem and getting out of it - and enjoying quietly - privately ur victory.
13. Butter Chicken and Sprite - or any Jeff Archer novel.
14. The Fountainhead - The Lord of the Rings.
15. Music - day in day out.
16. Photography.
17. Writing and poetry.
18. Movies and pizza with friends.
19. Risking life and limb for a close buddy - being a good friend.
20. And may be that someone - someday whose smile can over ride all the things I said above.
    

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Wanna live for you!

It rained here yesterday. Rained correctly - not too less - not too much. And as I took in deep breaths of the cool moist breeze, as I faced the steady wind and as I smelled the scented air, I was moved. A cascade of memories began - questions being asked that demanded answers - questions that I had steadily avoided. A Rainy campus .... us running to get shelter ..... me playing .... me being boysih .... my city .. my Mumbai .... the creek where we spent time alone ..... her laughter .... her complaints .......... our fights .......... our masti. We were best friends.

Life was simple then ... no big issues .. just the semester ....... just my coding .... the ambition was fixed but the steps were distant. The time was good ... and so I didnt really realize when it flew by ... suddenly I had to make a choice ...... and I chose my career .... there wouldnt be an 'us' after.

The thunder from heavens above sounded all too familiar ... and I was wishing ..... wishing - that I wouldnt be alone ..... if only ..... And like always I didnt have an answer .... If I had to make a choice again, I would do nothing other than a 'Deja Vu'.


It seemed cruel to me that GOD must decide to satisfy only one ... either the heart or the brain. But a choice I made. Later on when I left my college and came to the US, I made it clear to my parents that they wouldnt have any jurisdiction over my career or my love life.


We were never meant to be ... to be together .. and I understood that ... asking my parents not to interfere was simple enough. What wasnt simple was .... when you are past that .. when you are on your track .. on the career you want ... how do you get back to being available again .... how do you move past your past and like some one .... how do you compromise just the right amount ... how do you not lower your character or give up your standards ... how do you find someone who can respond to your morals.

And I realized it isnt easy at all ... to like someone and for that person to like you .... not ur hair .. not how fast you can run ... but like ur essence. It has to happen. I dont know of any other matter in which the gods play a bigger role than in the process of - you finding the love of your life.

But theres hope .... albeit little ....... a belief that luck favors those who are good. That a person can find someone whithout depricating his core. And when I do ... it will be .... it will be.

I would really ... really want to ........ want to hold her close .... make her feel powerless .. not because she doesnt have strength .... but because she doesnt need any ..... want her feel comforted ... want her not to let go ..... want it ... want to watch her struggle ... struggle invain .... struggle with her shyness ...... but yeild to my seduction - partly cos I will be relentless - partly cos she wants to ..... want her to feel protected...... want her to feel fearless ..... want her to confront life head on ..... want her to feel loved beyond measure .... want her to feel special ...... want her to feel the only one ..... want her to feel proud ..... want her to melt with joy .... want her happy till she is confused .... want her to feel light - till she doesnt know what to do.

Want her to be mine ......... Yes! Wanna live for you.

So tell me will you please -

What's ur name - How do you look
Will you come along! - Whats ur lat whats ur long?

- Sanket K

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